Happy Bday Poppa.. (Ok its Aba) :)

Umi & Aba :)

After suffering from an immense mental block earlier in the day, i decided to read my friend's blog today just for fun (u know who u r ;)), and was instantly touched and inspired to write about how i felt towards my parents too.



See as children, it seems as though over the passage of time, defective genetics and the contamination of our developing minds have been responsible for the utter degradation of moral values, and it thus brings forth an instinctive determination to always have to rebel and hurt the ones who care for us the most. More often than not, such people are our parents. (its seems like these deficiencies are also the ones responsible in destroying relations between others later on in life, but i shall not stray off topic for now..) See no matter how much insistence or persuasion from our parents on what should and should not be done, we as children almost find it an obligation to do the direct opposite, claiming that we know better, and that our lives should not be hindered by the rulings of those whose knowledge and experience most probably extends to, and yet remains traped in, ages and customs that have long came and gone.



Heck i can clearly remember the countless times ive let my parents down and disobeyed whatever they said and what they asked me to do, just because i could. I was supposed to be brought up well; with proper breeding. And that fact just made me absent mindedly rebel against anything that would lead me down that path to become a cultured person.



For my mom, though she has passed on for 7 years already and i miss her terribly, the thought of the number of times ive hurt her and made her disappointed really crumbles my heart and completely destroys my enthusiasm and will. Coz all those times, even during her last few months, i was led to believe, by those around me nonetheless, that my mom's cancer was minor, and that she would survive. And I clearly remembered our familial pact that the 4 of us, (my dad bro mom and myself) that we would go holidaying at Copenhagen when everything got better. Sigh.. Sadly those remained only in our dreams. Now back to the story, I was extremely rude to her and i really did loads of shitty stuff towards her, (taking her money to buy pokemon cards for example, during those days), taking advantage of the fact that she would be there forever. Oh how wrong i was. On the last day, i was called from school to head down to the hospital coz my mom was already in critical condition, and just as she was wheeled into the emergency ward, i remembered her lying in bed, raising her arm and waving at my bro and i, before the doors to the ward closed. That was the last time i ever saw her conscious. And what breaks my heart till this very day is that i never got the chance to really say im sorry to her, coz i said it while she was drawing her last gasps of breath. So if i could turn the hands of time back, this is one of the many moments id like to mend.



As for my dad, my friend's blog on her dad and his late dad reminded me of how my dad is to me. He is, amongst other things, my mentor, my mother, my friend, my confidante, and most importantly, my father. Yes ive hurt him many times too. Reduced him to tears loads of times, got myself disowned and condemned, even hit him once (smacked a book off his hand, an thats something i regret till this very day. May i burn in hell) and no matter how much i hurt him, he always had it in himself to forgive me and take me back in as his son. It left me trembling with fear, eyes welling up with tears just thinking of how i would feel if i was in my friend's dads shoes. It would be a certainty that i would be devastated. And i would then be thrusted into a situation where i would have to be the mom and dad of my brother. And it is wthout a doubt a daunting responsibility that i shall have to bear with; something i dread with each passing day. Although time and time i do apologize and realise all this, sometimes the flaring of emotions can bring forth irrational bouts that can turn really ugly. But i really do hope his patience with me lasts, and that he will always be there to forgive me. I do intend to make this blog a secret so he does not know about this till the time is right, and if things ever go bad beyond repair, this blog might be the last safe haven for my actual feelings to be shown to, and read by him, to see how sorry i am, and how much i love him and respect him for being everything that he is.

And since 19th of November marks my dad's birthday (the big 5-5 yawwz) i do really hope he has a happy birthday, and that he will have the strength and will to carry on to see both his sons through, and hopefully rise to success, without forgetting that it is him who got us there in the first place, after the passing of my mom.

Aba, Umi, i do love u both really much, and u both will forever be in my heart. Thanks for those who actually heard me out on this. Feeling totally relieved after letting out my thoughts. Thanks to anyone for bearing with me on this post. FB out..


EzzE